You know what's really funny? I've stopped sympathising with anything and everything. Yeah, so it's probably not that funny. Right now, as I type this I have 6 chat boxes open on facebook with different people saying various "Hello"s, "Ssup?"s, "There?"s and even one disgruntled "DIE". I don't even feel guilty about not replying.
I just sigh and shake my head like it's nothing, hover my mouse over the the box for a second and then switch to some funny youtube video. People don't interest me anymore. And yet I get depressed when nobody calls or replies. The thing is, when they do, I ignore them. I only want to be wanted. It's an unending cycle that reaffirms my insecurities, invalidates them, and then makes them all the more apparent. I think it's because I like stepping in and out of the light. The traffic's been rushing past me since forever, and I was supposed to be on a bus to somewhere by now. But instead, I'm still at the bus stop, waiting for a bus that already left, or will never arrive. I don't like making the extra effort to dodge my curfews and meet people really close to me. I lie a lot, and I'm not complaining about it. I only lie when it's justified (i.e someone is being unfair to me) or when I'm feeling particularly defensive/mischievous. Either way, I'm too accustomed to it to feel any remorse. Another example of how I'm closing up on the inside. I don't think I want to date again, ever.
I don't think I want to hear about anyone else's problems ever again either, no matter how much I say otherwise.
Am I turning into my ex?
That's a scary thought.
Yes yes, I'm whining and self-obsessing.
But this is my blog remember?
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