Sunday, July 18, 2010

How Does It Feel?

It's been what, 4 months since my last proper blog-post?
Not that anyone's keeping track. I'm having an Avril Lavigne revival as I write this, a revival that will surely end the second the track list hits "Girlfriend" at which point I'll set my pc on fire.
It's kinda like Russian Roulette. Except with more potent weapons.

Do you remember when she used to be so good? Sure, her lyrics and even her rebel costume seem stupid now, but way back when, when non-conformity was the norm, she was pretty fucking cool. Objectively of course, she's not much of a singer or song-writer. But I'm not getting into that.
The point is, she's different now. For better or worse it's hard to say (Worse! Worse!). She's changed.
She's basically a sell-out, but that doesn't give me the same dramatic entry into the something personal starting with the word:

It's an annoying little thing. It creeps up on you when you're not looking. It comes crashing down you as a torrential downpour, when the weather-man promised only a drizzle. It's hard to accept change even when it's anticipated. Mostly, when it's anticipated.
The worse kind of change is the one that doesn't come when you've arranged and prepared for it. Nothing's changed for me. I'm still here, in the same city, surrounded by the same environment still wishing my life away.
Whatever's changed has only to do with what's outside the range of my introverted interactions. It's the people, who've left or are leaving. It's getting lonely and it's only about to get worse.

First there was nothing, and then God said, Let There Be Plight.
Or something like that.
So in this situation, I'm trying to do the best I can. Still have my sights set on Law School, because it's the only practical option for me which doesn't make me die a little on the inside. The reason I haven't posted about how bad CLAT was or how fucked up things were post Non-Admission Into Law School, wasn't just because nobody cares, it was because it was hard to come to terms with. It still is. Which is why, I don't think about it. It's easier to vindicate those who've made it and become bitter, than to empathize with their joy-unbound and still sympathize with their complaints about the inadequately air-conditioned library. Feeling like this doesn't make me a better or like-able person, but it does help prevent me from going back to bed every morning because someone left me message about the abundance of super-models at their campus. A little like Rehab, no, a lot like rehab, I take it one day at a time. Of course, I don't "Let Go and Let God", because that's what landed me here in the first place.

I've been writing a lot. What's sad is that none of it has seen completion. I've managed to scrap each one mid-way because it's a bunch of contrived bullshit. Whoever said I was self-destructive didn't know what they were talking about.

You live so much, its like you're dying
You can't give up, your body's trying
You build so tall its like you're flying
But rocks will fall; the sky keeps climbing.

You're gonna lose everything.