Winter Dreams.

I've been dreaming without sleeping,
It's safer that way,
Because the nightmares are contagious,
I cannot control what they play.


I've been living without breathing,
It's nurturing that way,
Because my decadence is fallacious,
But decadent I will stay.

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep,
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat.
I hope it's gonna make you notice,
someone like me.


You know, that I could use somebody.


- Kings of Leon

My Manic & I

You know what's really funny? I've stopped sympathising with anything and everything. Yeah, so it's probably not that funny. Right now, as I type this I have 6 chat boxes open on facebook with different people saying various "Hello"s, "Ssup?"s, "There?"s and even one disgruntled "DIE". I don't even feel guilty about not replying.
I just sigh and shake my head like it's nothing, hover my mouse over the the box for a second and then switch to some funny youtube video. People don't interest me anymore. And yet I get depressed when nobody calls or replies. The thing is, when they do, I ignore them. I only want to be wanted. It's an unending cycle that reaffirms my insecurities, invalidates them, and then makes them all the more apparent. I think it's because I like stepping in and out of the light. The traffic's been rushing past me since forever, and I was supposed to be on a bus to somewhere by now. But instead, I'm still at the bus stop, waiting for a bus that already left, or will never arrive. I don't like making the extra effort to dodge my curfews and meet people really close to me. I lie a lot, and I'm not complaining about it. I only lie when it's justified (i.e someone is being unfair to me) or when I'm feeling particularly defensive/mischievous. Either way, I'm too accustomed to it to feel any remorse. Another example of how I'm closing up on the inside. I don't think I want to date again, ever.
I don't think I want to hear about anyone else's problems ever again either, no matter how much I say otherwise.
Am I turning into my ex?
That's a scary thought.

Yes yes, I'm whining and self-obsessing.

But this is my blog remember?

I have a new philosophy:

It goes something like this.

It's all there. You just can't see it.
Funny, neither can I.

Tops.

Spin, spin, spin,

Carve circles in the wood.

Little dendochrons that prove,

That we aged on this table.

Tilt, tilt, tilt,

On your axis and beyond,

Sway about in monochrome,

And dance to the silence.

Fall and raise,

Then tug at my fortune,

Pull it along on a string,

And watch me change colors.

Faster, faster, faster,

Turn faster than the Earth,

So that days turn to years,

But seasons never change.

Red, Blue, Green,

Map my life in colors,

Carry my soul on your tip,

And my future in your trail.

Don't slow down,

Convalesce back to life,

Keep my eyes on your frame,

And mind on your existence.

Stumble now,

Take my euphoria too,

Let my elation fade away,

To the sound of your falling.

Still, still, still,

Be still and be stunned,

Hush me when I complain,

That there is no after-life.

Broad-Way.

I like to watch them smile,
when they pose,
in front of New York,
and all it's blinking lights.

That could be me,
stumbling out of Grand Central,
in baggy clothes,
and sunglasses.

Then I think,
That this could be me instead,
Surrounded by green walls,
and paperwork,
Clicking 'save',
and moving on.

Morning Came Too Late.

This late September,
I chased white cars,
While you hurt me,
in your sleep.

This late September,
I smoked your cigarettes,
When you never came,
and I waited anyway.